How Past Traumas Influence Couples' Dynamics and Communication Cycles

In the intricate dance of a romantic relationship, the impact of past traumas can often lurk beneath the surface. These unresolved issues can shape how partners interact, communicate, and respond to each other, sometimes leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. Understanding this dynamic is essential for fostering healthier relationships.

Have you ever felt as though your partner’s response (verbal, emotional, physical) seemed to come out of left field; as if it didn’t match in content, context, or intensity? Have there ever been times where you, yourself, experienced a sudden onset of heightened emotions, intense physical sensations, a sense of fear or need to protect yourself in some way while interacting with your partner?

Triggers are stimuli which cause our limbic system (specifically the amygdala, hypothalamus, and hippocampus) and sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) or parasympathetic nervous system (freeze) to activate a stress response. Because our body responds automatically and instantaneously (within a matter of milliseconds), our reactions may appear sudden, exaggerated, intense, overwhelming, and unpredictable, even to ourselves. And because some triggers may be internal, sometimes the responses seem to come out of nowhere.

Although not all triggers stem from trauma, they are all responses to something in the present moment that remind us of something distressing from the past. Our brains find something similar or familiar in the triggering stimulus, causing it to respond to the perceived threat as though it is reliving the past in the present.

The Shadows of Past Trauma

Trauma, whether from childhood experiences, previous relationships, or other significant life events, can have a profound and lasting effect on an individual's emotional landscape. It can manifest as heightened sensitivities, fear of vulnerability, and trust issues that may influence the individual’s behavior in a current relationship.

1. Trauma Triggers: Past traumas can create emotional triggers. A seemingly harmless comment or situation can bring up memories of past pain for one partner, leading to an emotional response that feels disproportionate to the situation.
2. Attachment Styles: Traumatic experiences can shape attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. For instance, someone with an anxious attachment may seek constant reassurance, while an avoidant partner may withdraw and shut down during conflicts, creating a cycle of misunderstanding.
3. Communication Patterns: Trauma can hinder effective communication. A partner who has experienced betrayal or loss may struggle to express their feelings openly, fearing rejection. Alternatively, a partner may react defensively due to their own unresolved trauma, leading to escalated conflicts.

Trauma Triggers

 Traumatic memories are encoded in the amygdala as implicit bodily and emotional states. These non-verbal physical and emotional memory states do not carry with them the internal sensation that something is being recalled, therefore we act, feel, and imagine without recognizing the influence of the past experience(s) on our present reality.

Implicit memory is a type of long-term memory that involves storing and recalling information that you do not consciously think about. Traumatic implicit memories are “feeling memories;” they are experienced as emotions and bodily sensations. They aren’t only unconscious; they are also automatic. These then directly set off the sympathetic nervous system’s fight/flight response, or the parasympathetic nervous system’s freeze response.

The body doesn’t just react to events; it also reacts to perceived threats, because our brain and body believe something happening in the present is similar to something we’ve experienced in the past. When we’re triggered, we experience sudden and overwhelming feelings, sensations, and impulses. This feeling is misinterpreted as meaning “I’m in danger,” not “I was in danger back then.” People look at who or what is in their present-day environment that may be triggering them, often deciding it’s their partner.

Attachment Styles

Attachment styles are “patterns of emotional and behavioral responses exhibited in close relationships which have significant impacts on psychological and social outcomes including well-being, social support, and relationship satisfaction” (Varley, Sherwell, Fu, & Kirby, 2023). Attachment theory suggests that early interactions with caregivers shape how we form relationships later in life. The four primary attachment styles are:

• Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and independence, often leads to healthy, stable relationships.
• Anxious: Often seeks closeness and fears abandonment, which can lead to clinginess and heightened emotional responses.
• Avoidant: May struggle to get close to others due to a fear of dependence, often leading to emotional distance or disengagement.
• Disorganized: Exhibits a mix of both anxious and avoidant behaviors, often stemming from unresolved trauma.

Insecure attachment styles and trauma can create vulnerabilities in relationships, affecting how one connects with others. Key impacts include:

• Trust Issues: Individuals with a history of trauma may struggle to trust their partners, leading to difficulties in forming secure attachments.
• Emotional Regulation: Trauma can impair one's ability to manage emotions, causing intense reactions or avoidance during conflicts.
• Fear of Intimacy: Some may fear getting close to others, worrying about potential hurt or abandonment, influencing their willingness to engage deeply.
• Reenactment: Individuals might unconsciously recreate familiar patterns from their past trauma, affecting their choices in partners and relationship dynamics.
• Chronic despair and self-loathing: Individuals may feel trapped in a submissive, helpless state. They may be overly compliant, ashamed, or feel degraded, defeated, and powerless. They become heavily dependent upon their partner, which can lead to abuse or to resentment from their partner who feels they must always tend to their needs and forfeit their own.
• Chronically seeking to be rescued: Feeling sensitive to separation, fearful of loss or abandonment, these individuals continually search for the “right” partner, often jumping from one relationship to the next.

In relationships, the feelings and body sensations triggered by normal conflicts are misinterpreted as indicators that the individual is still in danger. Divorced from their original context in childhood or past experiences, these reactions are interpreted as present-day data about the partner or the relationship. Such as “He is abusive,” “She can’t be there for me,” “This relationship isn’t safe.” When triggered sensations are interpreted as threats, past and present become confused. The individual’s subjective sense is “I’m still alone; I’m still at risk.”

Within intimate relationships, attachment styles drive, and defenses are automatically evoked. Because trauma and neglect often take place in the context of close family or previous intimate relationships, triggers abound for couples. As each partner gets triggered, they will become hyper- or hypo-aroused, in turn triggering the other’s implicit or somatic memories. Because these intense feelings and reactions occur in the here-and-now, they are interpreted as threats: “YOU made me feel this way,” “YOU hurt me.”

The Cycle of Communication Breakdown

When past traumas are at play, couples may find themselves stuck in destructive communication cycles. Here’s how these cycles might unfold:

1. Triggering Events: One partner’s behavior unintentionally triggers a past trauma in the other. For example: one partner may leave in a rush and unintentionally forget to say goodbye, and for their partner, it might evoke memories of abandonment, create a misperception that their partner is avoiding or rejecting them as others had in the past, or it might feel similar to the dismissive behavior they had experienced with an ex who cheated on them.
2. Emotional Escalation: The triggered partner then responds with heightened emotions, which may manifest as anger, withdrawal, or any number of emotions or behaviors. This reaction is confusing and perplexing for their partner, leading to frustration.
3. Misinterpretation: The partner experiencing the triggered response is perceived as irrational or overly sensitive. Conversely, the other partner feels unjustly attacked or blamed. Both partners might respond with defensiveness rather than understanding.
4. Withdrawal or Confrontation: Depending on their coping mechanisms, one or both partners may either pull away (avoidance) or engage in conflict (anxiety), perpetuating a cycle of disconnection and unresolved feelings.

Breaking the Cycle

Recognizing these trauma response patterns is the first step toward healing and improving communication within the relationship. Here are some strategies couples can employ:

1. Open Dialogue: Establish a safe space for honest communication. Encourage each partner to share their feelings about past experiences without fear of judgment.
2. Identify Triggers: Work together to identify specific triggers and their origins. Understanding the root causes can help partners respond to each other with empathy rather than defensiveness.
3. Practice Active/Empathic Listening: Listening to understand, rather than to respond, can help partners feel heard and validated. This creates a foundation for deeper emotional connection.
4. Seek Professional Help: A therapist can provide valuable support in unpacking complex emotions and distorted thoughts linked to past experiences. They can provide tools to assist in processing and healing these past hurts, recognizing and addressing possible triggers, regulating emotions and physical responses, and reframing thoughts. Couples therapy can offer strategies tailored to individual dynamics and help facilitate healthier communication patterns.
5. Develop Coping Mechanisms: Encourage each partner to develop healthy coping strategies for when trauma triggers arise. Techniques such as mindfulness, deep breathing, and grounding exercises can help manage emotional responses.
6. Foster Empathy: Building empathy for each other’s experiences can help strengthen the bond between partners. Recognizing that past traumas may not be directly related to the current relationship allows for compassion and patience.

Acknowledging and addressing the impact of past traumas is crucial for cultivating a healthy and loving relationship. By understanding how these experiences influence communication patterns, attachment styles, and emotional responses, couples can work together to break the cycle of conflict and build a stronger, more resilient partnership. The journey may be challenging, but with commitment, openness, and support, healing is possible; leading to a deeper connection that honors each partner's history and fosters a healthy, connected future.

Resources

Varley, D., Sherwell, C. S., Fu, M., & Kirby, J. N. (2024). A multi-level meta-analytic review of attachment and fears of compassion. Personality and Individual Differences, 218, 112477. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2023.112477