It’s spooky season and I, being a fan of all things creepy and spooky, of course, wanted to write about one of the most anxiety-inducing human behaviors of all, ghosting. I don’t mean dying and then haunting your friends or a crappy ex by shutting cabinets and slamming doors. No, this ghosting act is so much worse. It’s completely disappearing (while being alive and well) and ceasing all forms of communication with another person. This person could be a potential love interest, a friend from college, your hairstylist, honestly anyone. Before we get into the nitty gritty of why humans ghost and how to cope with ghosting, let us agree on an overall definition. Informally, ghosting is “the act or practice of abruptly cutting off all contact with someone (such as a former romantic partner) usually without explanation by no longer accepting or responding to phone calls, instant messages, etc.” Merriam-Webster that was your moment to shine, thank you so much. Ghosting can look a variety of different ways depending on who is the ghost (the person who abruptly left) and who is the haunted (the person wondering what happened on the other side of it). The not so fun, fact about ghosting is… no one is safe.
The Psychology Behind Ghosting
If you have ever been ghosted, you know how much it sucks. Not knowing what happened or why someone you once knew is no longer responsive can lead you down an anxiety-filled path. A feeling that unfortunately many people have experienced. So if ghosting sucks so much then why do we do it? There are, various factors, including personality traits, that can lead to ghosting. One factor I have seen trend is being fearful and avoidant of conflict. Being afraid to disappoint someone or to have an uncomfortable discussion can push people to avoid the whole relationship altogether. The fear of being vulnerable with our thoughts and emotions can lead us to turn away from others (Shonk, 2024). If we open up ourselves it leads to the fear of judgment and rejection. Ghosting is a representation of connection being taken away from us in a way that can be shocking. Take a second to think about the last time you were truly open and vulnerable with another person. That feeling of anxiety growing in the pit of your stomach, racing thoughts, and the flood of “what ifs”. Maybe your chest felt tight and your hands got sweaty as you prepared to share and wait to hear a response. This can be so overwhelming that having a quick out like blocking someone on social media and deleting your text thread, could bring great relief. Technology has aided in the habit of ghosting as we have more ways to connect with others and more ways to lose the connections as well (Fielding). Swiping right is another opportunity to talk to someone new, get to know them and then inevitably never speak to them again. When you ghost someone, you might feel relieved and liberated even as there is little online accountability (Shonk, 2024). However, what conflict avoidance really does is temporarily provide relief, leading to greater conflict in the long term. Effectively putting a band aid on a wound that won’t stop bleeding offers limited help and in the end you have a gross bloody mess. Ew. The ghost may not experience future conflict, but for those who are haunted the impact can be life-changing.
What it Feels Like to be Haunted
If you have been ghosted before, reflect on what it felt like. I know, not a very fun exercise but do it anyway, and there’s a cash prize at the end.* You might have felt abandoned, powerless, rejected, judged, or taken advantage of. Perhaps you start to rethink every interaction you had with that person or you rethink what you said and how you acted the last time you hung out. You spend time trying to rationalize why they would ghost you. You want answers you are unable to get which feels unfair and unjust. The feeling of not knowing why and not being able to have the opportunity to have the last word can lead us to sit with intrusive thoughts. Another term for these intrusive thoughts is cognitive distortions. These distortions are defined as irrational thoughts impacted by our emotions that can lead to an inaccurate perception of reality (Rnic, 2016). It can be difficult to navigate what thoughts are rooted in reality and what are distortions as our emotions have a large impact on our worldview. Writing your thoughts down and searching for evidence to help prove or disprove them can help the internal investigation of disassembling cognitive distortions. Below is a list of some cognitive distortions that may arise if you have recently been a victim of ghosting;
- Catastrophizing: Assuming the worst-case scenario has occurred. “I haven’t heard from them in two days. I hope they aren't lying in a ditch somewhere! Something horrible must have happened.” or “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.”
- Jumping to conclusions: Having little to no evidence and assuming you know everything. “I bet they always planned to do this and stop talking to me.” or “I just know they are talking to someone else already.”
- All-or-nothing thinking: Thinking in absolutes only. “This always happens to me because everyone ghosts.” or “I will never put myself out there again I know they will just ghost me.”
- Shoulding ourselves: Regretting our past actions believing we could have changed the current outcome. “I should have laughed more at their jokes and they would be responding.” or “I should have just told her what she wanted to hear.”
How to Cope with Being Ghosted
If you find yourself struggling after being ghosted, there are coping skills and therapeutic techniques that can help aid in relief. Talking with trusted friends, family, and your therapist is a great way to start to process the feelings that may arise after being ghosted. Your therapist may use concepts from DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) including radical acceptance and distress tolerance to help you navigate. Radical acceptance is exactly what it sounds like. A skill where you totally and completely accept reality for what it is and find peace with this experience. This includes the good, bad, and the ugly of your reality even if it is painful. The benefit of this skill is, you can stop using energy trying to fight reality and instead begin healing (Beltrani). A calmness can wash over you once you accept what is in front of you. Accepting you may not get the closure you desire from someone is painful but by accepting it, you can then process these emotions and heal. To be honest, this skill is hard to practice but I urge you to explore the liberation true acceptance can provide you. By ruminating on something you cannot change, you can get stuck in a cycle of bitterness, anger, confusion, and shame. To help aid in radical acceptance, practicing the skill of distress tolerance also taken from DBT can be beneficial. Distress tolerance skills are intended to help us distract and move through emotionally difficult moments (Beltrani). Challenging your thoughts, journaling, focusing on self-care, and goal-setting are a few coping skills that can provide some comfort. ACCEPTS is an acronym for a set of distress tolerance skills that I recommend exploring (Beltrani). Click here for an ACCEPTS walkthrough and worksheet to review!
Avoid Being a Ghost Yourself
So you don’t want to hurt someone, but you also don't want to continue talking to them for whatever reason. Valid and understandable, not your cup of tea, I get it but lets talk about how to be healthy during this process. As we already discussed, sparing someone’s feelings via ghosting is not the way to go. It does more damage and inflicts pain on others. If you want to cut ties healthily, I have great news for you, you can!
- Understand the Impact - Be honest with yourself, is ghosting a nice thing to do? Reflect on your own feelings of being haunted by someone you once knew. It didn’t feel nice then and it probably won’t feel nice knowing you can cause that kind of damage to someone else. Have empathy and don’t repeat the cycle of dysfunction (Rutledge, 2023).
- Reflect on Why - Don’t ghost on a whim. Reflect on why you want to step away from this person. Try not to make a pattern of ghosting but instead, communicate your feelings efficiently and confidently (Rutledge, 2023).
- Be Prepared - Think of quick and efficient statements you can make so no decisions are made while you’re under stress. For example, “You’re great, I just don’t see us moving forward.” or “You’ve been a great friend, I just see us drifting apart and we should go our own ways.” (Rutledge, 2023).
- Be Brave - Hype yourself up and believe in your ability to effectively communicate with someone else. Put on a playlist of confidence-building tunes and step out of your comfort zone by having a direct conversation about your intentions. Not only will you gain confidence, but you also save the other party from unjustified pain (Rutledge, 2023).
- Short and Sweet - You do not need to give your reasoning for disconnecting, just that you want to disconnect. You are under no obligation to answer every or even any question someone might have as to why you want to disconnect. Keep it short and don’t answer anything you don’t want to (Rutledge, 2023).
This is the time when I have to practice what I teach. I must push through the discomfort in order to effectively communicate and face some conflicts of my own. I lied… earlier I said there was a cash prize at the end and, well here we are and the only item is my cited resources. You know, I got to say I was nervous about this coming to an end and me having to confront you but I feel a whole lot better than just leaving you mid-sentence. To all those being haunted by your own ghosts, I wish you radial acceptance and peace. To all of those ghosts, it can be scary to be direct but you’ve done scary and hard things before. You got this.
Resources
Beltrani, A. (n.d.). Radical Acceptance with DBT: Concept Professional Training. concept.paloaltou.eduhs-fshubfsConcept-Leading-1-1. https://concept.paloaltou.edu/resources/business-of-practice-blog/radical-acceptance-with-dbt
Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Ghosting definition & meaning. Merriam-Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ghosting
Rnic, K., Dozois, D. J., & Martin, R. A. (2016). Cognitive Distortions, Humor Styles, and Depression. Europe's journal of psychology, 12(3), 348–362. https://doi.org/10.5964/ejop.v12i3.1118
Rutledge, P. (2023, October 25). Ghosting: How to deal with digital disconnects in dating. Fielding Graduate University. https://www.fielding.edu/ghosting-how-to-deal-with-digital-disconnects-in-dating/
Shonk, K. (2024, June 4). Interpersonal Conflict Resolution: Beyond Conflict Avoidance. Program on Negotiation. https://www.pon.harvard.edu/daily/conflict-resolution/interpersonal-conflict-resolution-beyond-conflict-avoidance/